Today I watched the river for about 2 hours. I took myself for a walk along the river - a bag packed with my phone, kindle, camera - even the router, but I didn't end up using any of it. The flowing water was enough to occupy my mind. I can't remember the last time I just sat doing nothing. I'm always doing something. I watched the water flow and swirl over the rocks - how it created little mini currents amidst one major current. I wondered how so much water could just keep on flowing, seemingly never to run out.
I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds. It was so loud, so soothing. I felt the sun burning my skin. I watched the dandelions drift by in the breeze, like mini soldiers with parachutes looking for somewhere safe to land. I threw sticks into the water to see where they end up. I climbed over boulders and sat in the middle of the river with my feet in the water. I watched ants crawling around busying themselves and I picked one up to study it.
A microscopic spider landed on my arm - light green in colour, and I marveled at how tiny it was. How strange it must be for that spider to navigate the weird terrain of my skin. I watched it try to make it past the hairs on my arm as if each one were the size of a tree. The it tried to bite me, so with one breath I blew it off, which made me feel like a giant.
While I was looking so closely at my arms I noticed the skin on my hands, and I could see how much they had aged. They were 30 year old hands now. They'd been through so much. They looked dry and wrinkled and a touch translucent in the sun, and in a flash I saw myself as 80 years old with these same precious hands. They reminded me of my Nanna's. This got me thinking about aging and how it's happening little by little, minute by minute, day by day. It freaked me out, because for those 2 hours time slowed down. Presence and awareness made time feel long, drawn out and full.
I miss out on so much of life, not being present.
One day, I'll hopefully make it to 80 years old. I'll look down at my hands without feeling shocked at how quickly it took to get here. Instead, I'll look at them and wonder why everyone says that life is short.
